Sonics Bruising: Week Two Roundup

Mike Ehrmann

No concussion. No foul. We give you the second week of the 2013 SBL season.

It was another fun week in the SBL. Noses were bloodied. Knuckles were cracked. Groins were kneed. Tears were shed.

Top scoring honors in week 2 were earned by The Frozen Envelope, who put up a league record 1830.5 points. Phil's Radio Team came scored 1703 points for a close second.

HEAD TO HEAD

The Frozen Envelope 1830.5, Wenatchee Wildmen 1297

It's not just that the envelope is frozen. It's what's inside. This week it was a hammer and the Frozen Envelope used it on the Wildmen over and over and over again.

Derrick Favors was the driving force for the Envelope with his 35 rebounds, 17 fouls, and 43 "scoring points" (SP) to contribute 234 total points. Paul Millsap wasn't far behind with 191 points, which were highlighted by 32 rebounds, 10 steals, and 72 SP.

Michael Kidd-Gilchrist put up 169.5 points on 20 rebounds and 11 fouls to lead the Wildmen

Phil's Radio Team 1703, Team Heaney 1145

For some reason, when people think of radio guys, they think of the nerdy wimps from the audio visual club in high school. The boys and girls from Team Heaney may have thought that going into this matchup, but they certainly aren't thinking it now.

The Radio Team rebounded Heaney to death, as Anthony Davis and Kevin Love combined for 101 boards. That powered Davis to 300.5 points and Love to 249.5. Love also kicked in 99 SP and Davis had 81.

Marcin Gortat paced Team Heaney with 32 rebounds, 7 blocks, 8 fouls, and 45 SP en route to 195 points.

Paul Rogers 1673, Andre + Jennette 1120

Andre + Jenette tried to finesse their way into the paint with a crossover, but Paul Rogers didn't take the bait and simply knocked them to the floor with a hard hip check.

Rogers was led by Dendre Jordan's 314 points on 60 rebounds and 17 fouls. Roy Hibbert kicked in 255.5 points on the strength of 38 rebounds and 16 blocks.

Kawhi Leonard had 20 rebounds and 53 SP for 151.5 points to lead Andre + Jennette.

Da Double Techs 1574, Bothell Beavers 1220.5

Da Double Techs are establishing themselves as a dark horse to win the SBL championship this season. No one expected much out of them after they drafted a point guard with the top pick in the draft, but Chris Paul continues to justify the pick.

Paul pulled down 18 rebounds and personally fouled his opponent a testosterone-induced 18 times to lead the Techs with 198 points. Anderson Varejao scored 184.6 points on 28 rebounds, 11 fouls, and 39 points.

Paul George had 30 rebounds and 99 SP for 192 points for the Beavers.

Sethley the Nephew 1443.5, Baltimore Bullets 1399.5

Sethley the Nephew continued to establish an intimidating presence in the paint and did so once again without his uncle, the league commissioner, having to step in. He's his own man, which is a good thing since he was recently married.

Andrew Bogut sparked the team with 32 rebounds and 18 fouls to garner 211.5 points. Nikola Vucevic contributed 190.5 points on 40 rebounds and 51 points.

James Harden grabbed 23 rebounds and scored 95 SP to lead the Bullets with 192.5 points.

Team Meirose 1441.5, Seattle Glove and Hate 985.5

Team Meirose flew all the way from Southern Canada to Seattle just for the pleasure of giving the Glove and Hate some shove and hate of their own. Total beatdown.

Meirose was led by the two headed monster of DeJuan Blair and David West. Blair scored 176.5 points on 31 rebounds, 11 steals, and 10 fouls, while West contributed 34 rebounds and 56 SP for 175.5 points.

Blake Griffin led Seattle with 41 rebounds, 15 fouls, 90 SP for 245 points.

Team Catdawg 1247, Seattle Mike Baker 1079

Somewhere today, Mike Baker is applying ice to his forehead. Somewhere today, Team Catdawg is applying ice to her knuckles.

Dwight Howard laid further claim to being a serious MVP candidate with his 44 rebounds, 17 fouls, and 78 SP to amass 259 points to power the team. Gordan Hayward scored 154.5 points on 27 rebounds and 89 SP.

Mr. Baker was led by Rudy Gay's 174.5 points on 21 rebounds, 10 fouls, and 74 SP.

Manmade Seacows 1107.5, Primetime Sheed's 1102

There's a big, black and blue knot on Primetime Sheed's forehead and it was put there by Manmade Seacows' hard swung elbow.

Amir Johnson scored 186.5 points on 34 rebounds, 13 fouls, and 38 SP to lead the Seacows. Jonas Valanciunas followed with 27 rebounds, 13 fouls, and 48 SP for 181.5 points.

Russell Westbrook came back from injury much earlier than expected to lead Sheed's with 157.5 points on the strength of 55 SP and one lovely ejection.

STANDINGS

Xavier McDaniel Conference

Paul Silas Conference

Sethley The Nephew

2-0

The Frozen Envelope

(slasher_14)

2-0

Da Double Techs

(smb282)

2-0

Phil's Radio Team

(Phil Naessens)

2-0

Team Catdawg

2-0

Team Meirose

1-1

Paul Rogers

1-1

Team Heaney

(ColmCanada)

1-1

Baltimore Bullets

(Barely Able)

1-1

Seattle Glove and Hate (Eric E)

1-1

Bothel Beavers

(unknown)

0-2

Manmade Seacows

1-1

Andre + Jennette

(ksmith1984)

0-2

Wenatchee Wildmen

(Kevin Nesgoda)

0-2

Seattle Mike Baker

0-2

Primetime Sheed's

(Primetime Mitch)

0-2

SMACKDOWNZ OF THE WEEK

Dennis Schröder vs DeMarcus Cousins - Nov 5

Nut Grabbed 3.0. The sad thing here is that Dennis Schroder is a free agent in our league and no one was able to capitalize on the suspension that followed.

Chris Andersen vs Tyler Hansbrough - Nov 5

Russell Westbrook vs Nene - Nov 10

Both players ejected.

WEAK SAUCE

Francisco Garcia vs Chris Paul - Nov 4

Chris Paul lightly pushes Houston's Francisco Garcia and check out Garcia's response. He gives a "menacing" stare as he backs away. Paul doesn't back down at all. The NBA Youtube channel calls it a "Deadly F... Stare". I call it weak sauce.

Floppilation

WEEKLY RODMANISM

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

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