Sonics Bruising: Week Four Roundup

Time for the woodsheed. - USA TODAY Sports

Want to know what we're thankful for? The carnage that was week four of the SBL.

As we head into Week Five in the Sonics Bruising League, we also look forward to the Thanksgiving holiday. A time when families get together and enjoy a fine meal and pleasant conversation. A time when we watch NFL games on TV and wish that tackling was actually legal in the NBA. A time when players sneak frozen turkeys onto the court to beat other players over the head with in the closing moments of a game.

It's also a time to look back at Week Four in the SBL. A week when Phil's Radio Team dropped from the ranks of the unbeaten. A week when The Frozen Envelope continued its complete scoring dominance without the benefit of a dominant scorer. A week when uncles defeated nephews.

MATCHUP TO WATCH

Team Meirose vs Wenatchee Wildmen

Here we have a battle of the Sonics Rising editors. That's right. Team Meirose is managed by one Chris Meirose and the Wildmen are managed by Mr. Kevin Nesgoda.

The trash talk will be intense. Meirose will be hurling ice laden snowballs from Minnesota to the Wenatchee Valley and Nesgoda will respond with, well, Honey Crisp apples, I suppose.

HEAD TO HEAD

The Frozen Envelope 1761.5, Team Heaney 1396

The Frozen Envelope is thankful to remain undefeated as the SBL's highest scoring team. Team Heaney is thankful to still have just enough teeth to eat turkey this week.

I'm not going to mention any of The Envelope's player stats for this game. None of them stand out for one simple reason. This is the most balanced roster in the league and 11 players scored over 100 points. The reason the Frozen ones score so much is that EVERYONE can score.

Marcin Gortat had 38 rebounds, 6 blocks, and 12 fouls to tally 207 points for Team Heaney.

Paul Rogers 1637, Sethley The Nephew 1473

Paul Rogers is thankful for his trademark Buddha Belly Bump defense that knocked Sethley the Nephew on his butt every time he drove the paint. Sethley is thankful he doesn't have a Buddha Belly of his own. Yet.

Deandre Jordan turned in his best performance of the season for Rogers, scoring 317 points on the strength of 59 rebounds and 20 fouls. David Lee followed with 219 on 57 boards and 68 scoring points (SP).

Andrew Bogut had 52 rebounds and 15 fouls to headline 285.5 points for The Nephew.

Wenatchee Wildmen 1536, Manmade Seacows 1017.5

The Wenatchee Wildmen are thankful to finally be scoring some points and winning some games. The Seacows are grateful that the Wildmen are no longer gnawing on their faces during TV timeouts.

Robin Lopez scored 202.5 points on the strength of 40 rebounds, 8 blocks, and 35 SP to lead the Wildmen. Josh Smith followed with 26 rebounds, 8 steals, and 9 fouls to tally 186.5 points.

Evan Turner had 246 points on 36 rebounds and 87 SP to lead the Seacows.

Da Double Techs 1533.5, Andre + Jennette 1321.5

Da Double Techs are thankful for Nene because, hey, cool name. Andre + Jennette is thankful for bandages and hydrogen peroxide.

Nene scored 218.5 points on 30 rebounds and 16 fouls to spark Da Double Techs. Chris Paul followed with 206.5 points with 93 SP and 27 boards.

Andre + Jennette was led by Andre Drummond's 253.5 points on 49 rebounds and 7 blocks.

Team Meirose 1530, Phil's Radio Team 1497.5

Team Meirose is thankful for every elbow landed on the Radio Team's temples. The Radio Team is thankful for Tylenol PM and a beer chaser.

Carmelo Anthony led Team Meirose with 211.5 points, comprised of 37 rebounds, 11 fouls, and 78 SP. Jared Sullinger wasn't far behind with 208.5 on 40 boards and 57 SP.

Kevin Love led a valiant effort for the Radio Team with 229.5 points on 54 rebounds and 79 SP.

Team Catdawg 1422.5, Baltimore Bullets 1091

Team Catdawg is thankful for bloody knuckles and sore elbows. The Baltimore Bullets are grateful for stitches and antiseptics.

Dwight Howard, in typical fashion, led Catdawg with 35 rebounds and 7 blocks to tally 217 points. Gordon Hayward followed with 178.5 points on 17 rebounds, 8 steals, and 15 fouls.

Wesley Matthews had 172.5 points on 90 SP for the Bullets.

Seattle Glove and Hate 1413, Primetime Sheed's 989

Seattle Glove and Hate is grateful to have a .500 record again. Primetime Sheed's is thankful for sturdy cups and ice packs.

Blake Griffin had a monster week for the Glove and Hate, scoring 333 points on 53 rebounds, 18 fouls, and 101 SP. DeMarcus Cousins was right on his heels with 308 points on 51 rebounds, 18 fouls, and 86 SP.

Zach Randolph led Sheed's with 186.5 points on 37 rebounds and 63 SP.

Bothel Beavers 1309.5, Seattle Mike Baker 715

The Bothel Beavers are thankful to finally make it into the win column. Mike Baker is just glad for the simple things in life, such as a nice ice bath.

Dirk Nowitzki scored 205 points on 33 rebounds and 100 SP. Paul George and Andre Blatche each scored 140.5 points.

Monta Ellis led Baker with 156 points on 112 SP.

BAD BOY BONUSES

Dwight Howard Fined

One ball thrown to the stands equals one 15-point bonus to Team Catdawg. The NBA talks about the incident in the following statement.

NEW YORK, Nov. 21, 2013 - Houston Rockets forward/center Dwight Howard has been fined $25,000 for throwing the ball into the stands with 2:54 remaining in the fourth quarter of Houston's 123-120 loss to the Dallas Mavericks on Wednesday, Nov. 20, at American Airlines Center, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

Tony Allen Suspended

And the first 75-point suspension bonus has been awarded - to Paul Rogers! Nothing like a good kick to the face to get the NBA's attention. Here's the League's statement on the matter.

NEW YORK, Nov. 19, 2013 - Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen has been suspended one game without pay for kicking Chris Paul of the Los Angeles Clippers in the face, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

The incident, for which Allen was assessed a Flagrant Foul 2 and ejected, occurred with 1:51 remaining in the first quarter of the Grizzlies' 106-102 win over the Clippers on Monday, Nov. 18, at Staples Center.

Gerald Wallace Fined

The NBA cries "potty mouth" for words from a press conference and the Wenatchee Wildmen benefit with a 15-point bonus. Here's the NBA statement...

NEW YORK, Nov. 20, 2013 - Boston Celtics forward Gerald Wallace has been fined $10,000 for using profane language during his postgame media availability session following the Celtics' 109-85 loss to the Houston Rockets on Tuesday, Nov. 19, at Toyota Center, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

STANDINGS

Xavier McDaniel Conference

Paul Silas Conference

Da Double Techs

(smb282)

4-0

The Frozen Envelope

(slasher_14)

4-0

Team Catdawg

4-0

Phil's Radio Team

(Phil Naessens)

3-1

Paul Rogers

3-1

Team Meirose

3-1

Sethley The Nephew

2-2

Wenatchee Wildmen

(Kevin Nesgoda)

2-2

Bothel Beavers

(unknown)

1-3

Seattle Glove and Hate

(Eric E)

2-2

Andre + Jennette

(ksmith1984)

1-3

Team Heaney

(ColmCanada)

1-3

Baltimore Bullets

(Barely Able)

1-3

Manmade Seacows

1-3

Seattle Mike Baker

0-4

Primetime Sheed's

(Primetime Mitch)

0-4

SMACKDOWN(Z) OF THE WEEK

Tony Allen vs Chris Paul - Nov 18

Kick to the face!!! That's what I'm talking about.

Mario Chalmers vs Dirk Nowitzki - Nov 15

Oops. Missed this one in last week's roundup.

Chris Paul vs Thabo Sefolosha - Nov 21

You know, for a point guard, Chris Paul is proving himself to be a VERY good player in the SBL.

WEEKLY RODMANISM

"As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want."

WEAK SAUCE

Sonics Without Subsidies - Nov 22

Wow. Five whole subscribers?

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