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Sonics Bruising: Week Three Roundup

No blood on your elbows? You're not trying hard enough. We give you week three of the Sonics Bruising League.


As we reflect on the third week of the Sonics Bruising League, we begin to identify the early favorites to intimidate their way to the inaugural SBL Title.

There are four unbeaten teams remaining. From the Paul Silas conference, The Frozen Envelope and Phil's Radio Team have been perfect. From the Xavier McDaniel conference, Da Double Techs and Team Catdawg are without blemish. The Envelope lead the league in scoring with a daunting 5021.5 points. The Radio Team is a distant second with 4523.5.


There is no "Battle of the Unbeatens" to watch this week, so we'll go with the "Battle of the Relateds".

Sethley the Nephew (2-1) goes up against his uncle and your league commissioner Paul Rogers (2-1). This should be a close contest as both franchises have good scoring rosters, but that's not what makes this intriguing. The question is this. Can Sethley beat Rogers on a fantasy court? Because he sure can't on a real one. Boom!


When we started planning the rules of the SBL, we decided to award 10 points per game suspended, but the first few weeks of the season have demonstrated that a good scoring total for one game for a player is 50-70 points. We so highly value suspension-level bad behavior that we are now going to award 75 points per suspended game to reflect this.


The Frozen Envelope 1774.5, Seattle Glove and Hate 883

After the beating the Glove and Hate took from the Frozen Envelope last week, they could use some Frozen Water to reduce the swelling.

Derrick Favors put up an absurd 307.5 points on 50 rebounds, 16 fouls, and 70 scoring points (SP) to lead the Envelope. Enes Kanter scored 191.5 on the strength of 28 rebounds and 14 fouls.

DeMarcus Cousins led the Glove and Hate with 197.5, powered by 27 boards, 12 fouls, and 50 points.

Wenatchee Wildmen 1637.5, Team Heaney 1256

The Wildmen had finally had enough of their unusually large foreheads being planted on and dragged across the court so they made Team Heaney the victims this time.

Wenatchee was led by the furry duo of Marc Gasol and Robin Lopez, who contributed 197.5 and 197 points, respectively. Gasol had 32 rebounds, 10 fouls, and 70 SP, while Lopez garnered 40 boards, 4 blocks, 9 fouls, and 39 SP.

LaMarcus Aldridge scored 213.5 points for Team Heaney, highlighted by 47 rebounds and 82 SP.

Andre + Jennette 1536.5, Sethley the Nephew 1391.5

Somewhere in Spokane, The Nephew is on his knees, holding his tenders, and holding back tears, courtesy of the knee that Andre + Jennette dropped him with.

Andre Drummond led the way for the winners with 280.5 points on 61 boards, 9 steals, and 8 fouls. Patrick Beverley followed with 134.5 points, powered by 20 rebounds and 10 fouls.

Jordan Hill led The Nephew with 220.5 points on the strength of 31 rebounds and 15 fouls.

Phil's Radio Team 1469, Manmade Seacows 1353

The Radio Team commanded the Seacows to assume the position. We don't want to know what that position was, but they assumed it.

MVP candidate Kevin Love sparked the Radio Team with 49 rebounds, 12 fouls, and 107 SP en route to a 256 point contest. Anthony Davis contributed 203.5 points on the strength of 29 boards.

John Henson's 185.5 points topped the Seacows' effort. He had 26 rebounds and 10 blocks.

Team Catdawg 1413.5, Bothel Beavers 1298

"Beavers? Goalpost. Goalpost? Beavers." That was the utterance of Team Catdawg as they slammed the face of one into the body of the other.

Dwight Howard continued his amazing season with 386.5 points, the bulk of which were provided by 61 rebounds, 16 blocks, and 18 fouls. O.J. Mayo kicked in 164 points on 16 rebounds and 73 SP.

Pau Gasol headlined the Beavers' effort with 210.5 points on 42 rebounds and 61 SP.

Team Meirose 1396.5, Primetime Sheed's 1194.5

Remember when Shawn Kemp dunked on Dennis Rodman and then butt-smothered him as he hung from the rim? That's what Meirose did to Sheed's.

Carmelo Anthony's 93 SP, 26 rebounds, and 13 fouls powered a 196.5 point effort for Meirose. Brandon Bass scored 169 points on 26 boards and 13 fouls.

Zach Randolph scored 176 points on 37 rebounds and 72 SP for Sheed's.

Paul Rogers 1281.5, Seattle Mike Baker 974

Is leg whipping a foul? Because that's what Rogers did to the venerable Mike Baker over and over again. Just disrespectful.

Spencer Hawes was his usual Hawesome self for Rogers. He scored 209 points on the strength of 38 rebounds and 63 SP. Roy Hibbert was right behind him with 208 points on 27 rebounds, and 16 blocks.

Jordan Crawford led Baker with 146.5 points, powered by 17 rebounds, 7 steals, and 10 fouls.

Da Double Techs 1235.5, Baltimore Bullets 1156

After receiving a foot to the face from Da Double Techs, the Bullets might want to Double Check that they still have all their teeth.

Anderson Varejao and Ricky Rubio each scored 162 points to lead Da Techs. Varejao had 32 rebounds and 9 fouls, while Rubio had 21 rebounds, 9 steals, and 15 fouls.

Jeremy Lin was Lintastic for the Bullets, scoring 178.5 points on 19 rebounds, 12 fouls, and 102 SP.


Mario Chalmers Fined

Chalmers earned a 15-point bonus for Team Heaney for week three. Here is the NBA's statement on the fine...

NEW YORK, Nov. 8, 2013 - Miami Heat guard Mario Chalmers has been fined $15,000 for hitting Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin in the throat with a forearm, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

The foul on Chalmers, which was called a common foul on the floor, has been upgraded by the league office to a Flagrant Foul 2. The incident occurred with 8:05 remaining in the third quarter of the Heat's 102-97 win over the Clippers on Thursday, Nov. 7, at AmericanAirlines Arena.

Matt Barnes Fined

Barnes gave Primetime Sheed's 15 extra points because he just didn't want to leave the game and he likes to use twitter. Here's the NBA statement on the fine...

NEW YORK, Nov. 14, 2013 - Los Angeles Clippers forward Matt Barnes has been fined $25,000 for failing to leave the court in a timely manner upon his ejection and using inappropriate language on his Twitter account during the game following his ejection, in violation of NBA rules, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

The ejection occurred with 6.2 seconds remaining in the second quarter of the Clippers' 111-103 victory over the Thunder on Wednesday, Nov. 13, at Staples Center.

James Harden Fined

It really chapped the commissioner's butt to have to grant a bonus to the Baltimore Bullets for this fine. It doesn't seem like extra points should be awarded for a flopping fee, but a rule is a rule and this fine on Harden is good for a 15-point bump. You can bet the competition committee will visit this issue in the offseason. Here is the NBA's statement on the matter...

NEW YORK, Nov. 11, 2013 - Houston Rockets guard James Harden has been fined $5,000 by the NBA for violating the league's anti-flopping rules for the second time this season.

The incident occurred with 4:00 remaining in the fourth quarter of Houston's 107-94 loss to the Los Angeles Clippers on Saturday, Nov. 9 at Toyota Center.

J.R. Smith Fined

This fine is a step above the Harden fine because it involves hostility and not flopping. That said, Smith is being fined because he tweeted mean words to another player. In future years, we will examine whether you should benefit from a Twitter-induced fine, but last week it earned a 15-point bonus for Primetime Sheed's. The NBA says the following in a statement...

NEW YORK, Nov. 15, 2013 - New York Knicks guard J.R. Smith has been fined $25,000 for directing hostile and inappropriate language to another player via his Twitter account, in violation of NBA rules, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.


Xavier McDaniel Conference

Paul Silas Conference

Da Double Techs



The Frozen Envelope



Team Catdawg


Phil's Radio Team

(Phil Naessens)


Paul Rogers


Team Meirose


Sethley The Nephew


Wenatchee Wildmen

(Kevin Nesgoda)


Andre + Jennette



Team Heaney



Baltimore Bullets

(Barely Able)


Seattle Glove and Hate

(Eric E)


Bothel Beavers



Manmade Seacows


Seattle Mike Baker


Primetime Sheed's

(Primetime Mitch)



Serge Ibaka vs Blake Griffin - Nov 13

Ibaka ejected.


At least 50 times. I've jumped off a building, jumped off a cliff in a car. I've been in bedrooms when women came in with knives and guns.


Glen Davis vs Keyboard

There are two helpings of sauce in the following video. The first is obvious. If Glen Davis was frustrated with the loss the previous night, he should've handled it constructively. Flagrantly fouling someone in his next game would've been perfectly acceptable. Though there is no audio for the clip, can't you just hear him whining as he walks off screen? What a baby.

The second helping was served by the hotel clerk. Calling the police for a tossed keyboard?