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Sonics Bruising: Week One Roundup

Rebounds, fouls, and bruises led to a wild first week in the Sonics Bruising League.

love tap.
love tap.

What a wild and crazy inaugural week for the Sonics Bruising League.

When the league was created, we knew we wanted to honor fouls, rebounds, blocks, and other intimidation statistics and we designed our scoring system to reflect that. It was difficult to envision exactly how this would all play out.

If the first week is any indication, though, it looks like rebounds are going to be a major factor all season long. It also looks like we are going to have some insane scoring totals, with most of our franchises putting up over one thousand points in the opening contests.


Team Catdawg 1280, Paul Rogers 1251.5

Paul Rogers has never hit a woman, but last week a woman punched him right in the face.

He may have to change his philosophy if he's going to compete with the likes of Catdawg this season, especially when Dwight Howard takes the court. Howard muscled down 51 boards to go with five blocks and 10 personal fouls, giving Team Catdawg a ridiculous 230 points. Tyson Chandler followed that effort with 198 points, highlighted by his 34 rebounds.

Rogers was led by Spencer Hawes, who grabbed 34 rebounds and slapped nine wrists en route to 184 points.

Da Double Techs 1152.5, Seattle Mike Baker 1029

That thud you just heard was the sound of Da Double Techs putting a deep tissue bruise right in the middle of Mike Baker's forehead.

In the victory, Da Double Techs also landed a solid knee to the groin of SBL analyst Paul Kiper, who resoundingly panned the selection of point guard Chris Paul in the draft. For one week, at least, Paul more than justified the pick with 12 rebounds, 11 steals, and 12 personal fouls to lead the team with 159 points. Astonishingly, the team's second leading scorer was another point guard- Ricky Rubio scored 125 points on 14 rebounds and 11 steals.

Baker also scored unconventionally. Small forward Rudy Gay led his team with 28 rebounds and tallied 153 points.

The Frozen Envelope 1416.5, Team Meirose 1261.5

Team Meirose went into the paint to attempt a finger roll, but the Frozen Envelope horse collared him to the floor. Don't just pinch that bloody nose, Meirose. Rub some dirt on it.

Al Horford led the Envelope with 197.5 points on the strength of 37 rebounds, seven steals, and seven fouls. Enes Kanter followed with 155 points on 30 rebounds and 9 personal fouls. The hands of these two players are where missed shots went to die.

Carmelo Anthony led Meirose with 181.5 points on 33 boards and 63 "shooting" points.

Seattle Glove and Hate 1071, Manmade Seacows 984.5

The Glove and Hate showed nothing but shove and hate for the Seacows, pushing them into the first row every time they tried to run the baseline.

DeMarcus Cousins was the story here. Cousins is SBL 3.0, plain and simple. Over three games, he pulled down 31 rebounds, scored 62 "shooting" points, and fouled 12 times to lead the Glove and Hate with 218.5 points. Cousins seems destined to go neck and neck with Dwight Howard in the MVP contest this season. Blake Griffin added 193.5 points, powered by 34 rebounds.

Jonas Valanciunas contributed 137 points on 21 rebounds and 10 fouls to lead the Seacows' effort.

Baltimore Bullets 1091.5, Andre + Jennette 1079.5

A forearm to the throat by the Baltimore Bullets left Andre + Jennette lying prostate at center court - teary eyed and gasping for air. Just breath. It'll be alright.

Chris Bosh tallied a delicious 13 fouls to go along with 27 rebounds and six blocks to put up 204.5 points for the Bullets. One thing to watch out for is that it took him four games to reach those totals. The Bullets hope he can increase his per game averages for the rest of the season. Point guard John Wall put up 128.5 points for the team.

Tyler Hansbrough contributed 114 points on 22 boards to pace Andre + Jennette.

Sethley The Nephew 1345.5, Bothel Beavers 1227.5

He may be The Nephew of the commissioner, but Sethley didn't need any preferential treatment in his contest with the Beavers. He won it the honorable way, by throwing hard elbows to the temple of his opponent.

Nikola Vucevic put in a lot of minutes and each one paid off. Vucevic grabbed 45 rebounds and slapped 11 wrists to lead Sethley with 244.5 points. Brook Lopez added 175 points, highlighted by 17 rebounds and nine fouls.

Victor Oladipo paced the Beavers with 21 rebounds and 13 fouls on the way to 177.5 points.

Phil's Radio Team 1351.5, Wenatchee Wildmen 968.5

The Radio Team boarded a plane in Greece, flew coach all night, and landed at Wenatchee International Airport to do one thing - beat the Wildmen repeatedly over their furry heads with a microphone. They may have even recorded a podcast of it.

Two words. Kevin Love. Love showed that he might be the steal of the draft by scoring 89 "shooting" points and pulling down 44 rebounds to lead the Radio Team with 199.5 points. Kevin Garnett escaped from the nursing home a couple hours a night to score 128.5 points on the strength of 22 rebounds.

Josh Smith led the Wildmen with 20 rebounds and 12 fouls for 179 points.

Team Heaney 1132.5, Primetime Sheed's 993

Those Canadian teams are vicious and Team Heaney was no exception last week. Primetime Sheed elevated for a finesse jump shot, but Heaney swept his legs in mid-air to land him firmly on his head.

Mario Chalmers and Kevin Durant led a balanced attack for Heaney. Chalmers had 11 rebounds, 13 steals, and 12 fouls to tally 143.5 points. Durant added 141.5 points with his 88 "shooting" points and 20 rebounds. Durant translates well in the NBA and SBL. What could have been for Seattle?

Wesley Johnson led Primetime Sheed with 15 rebounds and an impressive 17 fouls to garner 187.5 points.


Xavier McDaniel Conference

Paul Silas Conference

Sethley The Nephew


The Frozen Envelope



Team Catdawg


Phil's Radio Team

(Phil Naessens)


Da Double Techs



Team Heaney



Baltimore Bullets

(Barely Able)


Seattle Glove and Hate (Eric E)


Paul Rogers


Team Meirose


Bothel Beavers



Primetime Sheed's

(Primetime Mitch)


Andre + Jennette



Manmade Seacows


Seattle Mike Baker


Wenatchee Wildmen

(Kevin Nesgoda)



Want to know what is wrong with the NBA, aside from the fact that there isn't a team in Seattle? Check out this stupid training video. What the heck are they teaching these players?


Deandre Jordan vs Andrew Bogut - Oct 31

Deandre Jordan vs Nick Young - Oct 29

Andrew Bynum Blocks Deron Williams - Oct 30

It's not a foul, but we also appreciate a good block in the SBL.


"My feet are like gnarled old tree branches."