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Sonics Bruising: Week Six Roundup

If Mike Tyson played basketball, he would play in our league. We give you Week Six of the Sonics Bruising League.

Mike Tyson: Honorary SBL captain.
Mike Tyson: Honorary SBL captain.
Ethan Miller

At the conclusion of the sixth week of the SBL's inaugural season, every team needed ice packs and bandages, but only eight teams came away with a W. Just like normal.

Another team fell from the ranks of the unbeaten, as Paul Rogers dropped Da Double Techs like a sack of wet, moldy dirt. Only two remain - Team Catdawg and The Frozen Envelope. Catdawg, by the way, took the week's top scoring honors with 1598 points.

This week also saw another guest motivational speaker make the rounds. In week five, it was Sun Tzu and his visit was, to say the least, not well received by any of our franchises. He spoke in strange words of intellectual thingies. No one had the time or the inclination to even attempt to understand it.

This week, however, we brought in a speaker that every franchise could relate to and, in many cases, beg to join their teams. It was Mike Tyson's turn to traverse the SBL circuit, giving words of wisdom that were worth their weight in gold teeth.


There are two contests to keep an eye on this week. Team Catdawg (6-0) goes up against Da Double Techs (5-1) in a battle of the top two teams in the Xavier McDaniel Conference. There is a similar battle in the Paul Silas Conference, where the current top seed, The Frozen Envelope (6-0) takes on Phil's Radio Team (5-1), which is currently tied for second place.


Team Catdawg 1598, Sethley The Nephew 1145.5

"When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him." ~ Mike Tyson

Catdawg didn't just rip out his heart and, at the least, question his manhood. She also helped extend his four-game losing streak.

Dwight Howard scored 293.5 points on the strength of 67 rebounds and 72 scoring points (SP) to lead the victors. Joakim Noah followed with 186.5 points on 34 boards and five blocks.

Markieff Morris led Sethley with 23 rebounds and 43 SP, garnering 139 points in the process.

The Frozen Envelope 1592.5, Manmade Seacows 1435.5

"I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm." ~ Mike Tyson

The Envelope experienced similar sensations of touch and feelings of wonderment in their contest with the Seacows.

Serge Ibaka had 39 rebounds, 9 blocks, and 11 fouls to highlight a 223 point performance to lead the Envelope. Terrence Jones wasn't far behind with 203.5 points on 34 boards and 9 blocks.

John Henson led the Seacows with 210 points on 38 rebounds and 60 SP.

Wenatchee Wildmen 1554.5, Seattle Glove and Hate 1080

"I don't try to intimidate anybody before a fight. That's nonsense. I intimidate people by hitting them." ~ Mike Tyson

The Wildmen live by that same philosophy and the Glove and Hate have been made fully aware.

Timofey Mozgov, who has one of the weirdest names I've ever seen, scored 221.5 points on 36 rebounds and 25 fouls to lead the men who smell of the great woolly mammoth. Robin Lopez added 196 points, highlighted by 8 blocks and 36 rebounds.

Ersan Ilyasova, whose name waxes difficult to pronounce, led the Glove and Hate with 155 points on 27 rebounds and 13 slaps on the wrist and other body parts.

Paul Rogers 1409.5, Da Double Techs 1051

"I don't understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don't bother no one." ~ Mike Tyson

The team of Rogers found Da Double Techs equally harmless last week, which was startling considering their previously perfect record.

Roy Hibbert's 229 points on 15 fouls and 42 boards powered Rogers. DeAndre Jordan contributed 40 rebounds and 7 blocks en route to a 186.5 point week.

Chris Paul had 8 steals, 9 fouls, and 47 SP to lead the Techs with 128.5 points.

Team Meirose 1407, Team Heaney 1191

"Sometimes I put on a ski mask and dress in old clothes, go out on the streets and beg for quarters." ~ Mike Tyson

Wow. That was random, but I'll tell you who was begging by the end of last week. Every player on Team Heaney was crying "Please quit hitting us, Mr. Meirose."

Brandon Bass did the bulk of the Bashing for Meirose. He grabbed 25 rebounds and had 46 SP to lead the team with 178 points. Carmelo Anthony's 58 SP and 26 rebounds highlighted his 136.5 point performance.

Kevin Durant, for whom Seattle continually mourns, led Heaney with 227.5 points on 125 SP and 36 rebounds.

Andre + Jennette 1263.5, Seattle Mike Baker 822.5

"I ain't the same person I was when I bit that guy's ear off." ~ Mike Tyson

Mike Baker's psyche isn't what it was before he stepped onto the court with the violent and intimidating gang of Andre + Jennette.

Andre Drummond played drumsticks on Baker's head with 318 points on 65 rebounds and 14 fouls. Ekpe Udoh followed with 166.5 points on 10 blocks and 14 fouls.

King James led Baker's effort with 89 SP and 31 rebounds for 194.5 points.

Bothell Beavers 1166.5, Baltimore Bullets 1053

"I try to catch them right on the tip of his nose, because I try to punch the bone into the brain." ~ Mike Tyson

The Beavers might not have caught the tip of the Bullets' noses, but they definitely bloodied them.

Victor Oladipo did most of the damage for the Beavers with 169.5 points on 64 SP and 28 rebounds. Dirk Nowitzki's 74 SP and 16 boards led to 132 points.

James Harden's 112 SP led to 183.5 points to keep things close for the Bullets.

Phil's Radio Team 993.5, Primetime Sheed's 936

"My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person." ~ Mike Tyson

The gangsta's of Phil's Radio Team are also very sensitive. They choked back tears and suppressed the urge to give hugs of compassion to the poor, poor members of Primetime Sheed's, as they lay bleeding on center court at the conclusion of the week.

Thaddeus Young's 141.5 points on 20 rebounds and 5 steals led the Radio boys. Damian Lillard contributed 134 points on 93 SP.

Russell Westbrooks 87 SP led to 141 points for Sheed's.


Nate Robinson Fined

"They hate me, they hate me." That was Nate Robinson's public opinion of NBA officials after they gave him a technical foul when facing the New York Knicks last Friday night.

"We fine him. We fine him." That was the way the NBA responded to Robinson's criticism and the response resulted in a 15-point bonus for Primetime Sheed's. Here is the NBA statement.

NEW YORK, Dec. 6, 2013 - Denver Nuggets guard Nate Robinson has been fined $25,000 for public criticism of the officiating, it was announced today by Rod Thorn, President, Basketball Operations.

Robinson made his comments following the Nuggets' 97-95 victory over the New York Knicks on Friday, Nov. 29, at Pepsi Center in Denver.


Xavier McDaniel Conference

Paul Silas Conference

Team Catdawg


The Frozen Envelope



Da Double Techs



Team Meirose


Paul Rogers


Phil's Radio Team

(Phil Naessens)


Bothell Beavers



Wenatchee Wildmen

(Kevin Nesgoda)


Sethley The Nephew


Team Heaney



Andre + Jennette



Seattle Glove and Hate

(Eric E)


Seattle Mike Baker


Manmade Seacows


Baltimore Bullets

(Barely Able)


Primetime Sheed's

(Primetime Mitch)



Norris Cole vs Kirk Hinrich- Dec 5

Mike Tyson vs Chumps

Couldn't resist.


"I didn't want to be known as Madonna's playboy, her boy toy."


Kevin Garnett vs Andrea Bargnani - Dec 5

The Youtube description made this sound like a fight. It was decidedly not.