Thanks again, David Stern. You’ve managed to prove just how petty, vindictive, and egotistical everybody in Seattle always thought you to be with that opening line in today’s press conference referencing your need to be quick to get to OKC to watch playoff basketball. Well I’ve got a nice surprise for you; I have a friend who works for a spy agency who’s been recording your phone conversations since 2006. That’s right, I know all you’ve been up to and have proof of your manipulative, vindictive ways.

No longer willing to take any more of your, eh, crap, I had my friend transcribe the key phone conversations regarding the Sonics. Although I’m sure creative liberty might have been taken with some of the transcription – my friend is a devoted Sonics fans and named his first born Xavier Detlef – I think it manages to capture Stern at his evil, manipulative finest. Enjoy!

2006

(Phone Rings)

Stern: Hello?

Clay Bennett: Hey David! How's my best friend in the whole world?
Stern: Um, who is this and how did you get my number?
Bennett: It's your buddy Clay out in OKC.
Stern: Oh, hello Clay. How are you doing?
Bennett: Well, to be honest, we're a little bummed these days.
Stern: Why's that?
Bennett: Well, we miss basketball. Since the Hornets have gone back to NOLA, there's an empty hole where our heart used to be. We really appreciated you giving us your trust by letting the Hornets play here, but is there any way we can get our own team?
Stern: Clay, I really appreciate all you did for us, too. I told you I owed you one, and maybe I can figure something out.
Bennett: That would be amazing! I already have some rich friends willing to invest in a team.
Stern: Let me make a phone call and get back to you.

(Phone Rings)
Howard Schultz: What can I do for you commissioner?
Stern: Howard, I think I have the perfect ownership group to buy your basketball team.
Schultz: Really? Who is it?
Stern: Clay Bennett and a group of investors in Oklahoma.
Schultz: I'm sorry David, but why would a group from Oklahoma want to own the Sonics? Won't they move them?
Stern: I don't think so. I think if anything, you'll get local politicians to really pay attention and build a new arena with an outside ownership group.
Schultz: I'm not so sure.
Stern: Look, these guys will probably overpay just to be NBA owners.
Schultz: Did you say overpay?
Stern: If you're interested, I'll give them a call and put you guys in touch.
Schultz: You said overpay, right?
Stern: I didn't stutter. They'll call you shortly.

(Phone Rings)
Stern: Clay, I think I've got the deal for you! Howard Schultz up in Seattle can't get an arena built and is looking to sell the team. You get a group of guys together and offer way more than the team is worth and I'm confident the team is yours.
Bennett: Why would we want to own a team in Seattle?
Stern: I don't think you'll have to be in Seattle for long. If you propose to try to build an arena, say for a year, as part of your purchase agreement, it will look like you want to keep the team in Seattle. I know for a fact they won't approve any arena deal you propose. They got this guy in the capital, Frank Chopp, who is a real piece of work -- he will block any attempt at building an arena. So all you gotta do is buy the team, pledge to work on an arena for a year, and in time -- when those efforts fail -- I'll ensure you can move the team.
Bennett: What's the story on the arena -- how do you know they won't build it once they're scared the team might move?
Stern: They just spent $100 million to renovate Key Arena in the mid-90s so they feel building another arena isn't necessary. This after they just built new arenas for their football and baseball teams. Believe me, you won't have any issues moving that team.
Bennett: Wow, David. That's an amazing plan. I'll get my friends together and call Seattle.

We know what happened; with Stern’s full support, Bennett purchased and then moved the Sonics to Oklahoma. In the interim, Sonicsgate became popular, Sonics fans continued to rally and protest the NBAs decision, and into this scene entered Chris Hansen with his proposal to return the Sonics to Seattle.

2012

(Phone Rings)
Stern: Hey Chris, you and Steve still interested in getting a team back to Seattle?
Chris Hansen: Definitely.
Stern: I think the Maloofs in Sacramento might be interested in selling.
Hansen: Really? What makes you so sure?
Stern: Well they're short on cash, have a couple of loans out right now, and they seem uninterested in selling the team to anybody in Sacramento. I'm sure you're also aware they killed the arena deal we put together for them. I think the time is right to make an offer.
Hansen: I appreciate the call, David. Let me call my partners and see what we can come up with.
Stern: That would be great! Let me know how it goes. The only thing I ask – if you complete a deal, please respect the fans in Sacramento by not engaging in a public war through the media. Let the process play out.
Hansen: No problem. Thanks again.

2013

(Phone Rings)
Kevin Johnson: What the hell! Why are you letting a group from Seattle steal my team?
Stern: Calm down, KJ. It's going to be all right.
KJ: How can you say that? I'm an NBA all-star and mayor and I can't lose our NBA team on my watch!
Stern: And you won't. Listen, we know you guys can put together an arena plan because you did in a couple years ago. We know you've got some wealthy potential owners in the area. All you've got to do is come up with a new arena plan and assemble a solid ownership group before the board of governors meeting in April and I'll make sure you keep your team.
KJ: So what you're saying is that this is actually good news?
Stern: Yes KJ, it's good news. You do what I've asked and there's no way I'll allow the Kings to go anywhere. And please, don't be afraid to talk about it. Engage with the press at every opportunity, talk about fan support, tell the media you've done all the NBA has asked -- you need to win the PR war to help make this work. What we're doing is unprecedented.
KJ: I have no problem with that -- the local media loves me! What about money -- Steve Ballmer is one of the richest men in the world.
Stern: Listen, I told you I'd take care of it. It's not going to be a bidding war. Ballmer can throw all the money at this he wants and it won't matter. And the Maloofs won't have any choice but to sell to Sacramento after we disapprove the Seattle investors.
KJ: I hate that word -- investors. Can I use something else?
Stern: You can call them whatever you want. Just get your group together, an arena plan, and I can promise you a 90 percent chance the team stays. The plan doesn't even have to be that great -- just propose something, anything, and I'll ensure the team doesn't move.
KJ: Thanks David. You're the greatest commissioner of any sport in history!
Stern: I know.

(Phone Rings)
Stern: Hello Clay, you guys excited about the playoffs?
Bennett: You bet! It's still so amazing to think that we not only have a team, but one of the bests in the league.
Stern: Well, I need you to do me a favor.
Bennett: Anything for my favorite person on earth.
Stern: As you know, a group from Seattle bought the Kings from the Maloof brothers. Well I need your help, as chairman of the relocation committee, to ensure this sale and relocation doesn't happen.
Bennett: Anything for you, David. Besides, I'd love to stick it to those arrogant Seattle people again. They made that stupid movie, continue to show up at the draft and playoff games and boo my team, and generally are just the meanest group of people I've ever seen.
Stern: Well I don't have any love for them, either, and I hate that movie. You sure didn't help things, though, with your ridiculous "man possessed" email, McClendon telling everybody you planned to move the team from the get-go, you not bothering to show up to watch games in Seattle, and proposing the most ridiculous arena project any league has ever seen. You're very fortunate I was able to scare the Seattle politicians into settling and that the national media wasn't paying attention or you might be watching playoff basketball from your couch.
Bennett: I know, we messed up a few times. But it all worked out.
Stern: And it's going to work out this time, too. We're going to show Seattle how the NBA expects to be treated.

Bennett: And isn't it funny -- the Seattle people said you didn't care about the fans back when we moved and now you can say you do care about the fans by keeping the team in Sacramento! I believe that's called ironicism, or something like that.
Stern: Yes, it's irony. Sweet, satisfying, irony.

Note: The preceding text was a dramatic reenactment and isn’t actually real (as far as I can prove). It was for entertainment purposes only, no matter how much it may resemble actual phone conversations that may have taken place.